Before I begin, some of you may read the title and think “Ooh, I know exactly who this is about!” So let me start by saying, it’s not about that organization, or that ex-partner, or that friend—or that friend… or that one. “Then who or what is this ‘breakup’ business about?” My answer is: yes.
It’s about everyone and no one. Removing shame, setting boundaries, and getting comfortable with vulnerability, means processing the grief that follows every breakup or redirect.
Grief isn’t limited to when people in our lives physically die. Re-evaluating and potentially ending an emotional connection with another person—whether platonic, romantic, or professional—can feel more difficult to process when the person is still alive. Heck, we can even grieve the parts of our own personality and character that no longer align with who we are. If you live in the same city, have the same friends, or end a connection with a family member, or you still see each other in passing, closing the door isn’t always easy. And often I have asked myself, “What if?”
What if we just needed space?
What if we just needed to mature?
What if it’s just a communication error?
What if I just need to try harder?
We are human and that means we are wired for connection and intimacy with each other. So how can we tell which relationships and friendships are actually worth fighting for?
I hate conflict, hate dissension. My default setting is to avoid conflict or try to “fix” it as soon as possible. Every day, I’m learning more about what it looks like to speak up for myself and to choose a path that is in alignment with my values. The hardest part of this is figuring out how to live in the discomfort of not resolving conflict immediately—or ever—but still showing up as myself. The greatest freedom I’m cultivating is learning how to advocate for myself, which includes small things like learning how to say “no” when I mean it, instead of blurting “yes” to keep a fictitious peace.
Learning again and again how to advocate for myself helps me observe who is willing to celebrate my growing points and learn quickly which relationships are worth keeping. It’s the ones who honor a “no” even when it inconveniences them. It’s the ones who mutually understand boundary setting as an act of love. It‘s the ones who stick around in awe as I learn to take up more space and support my expansion instead of trying to dim my light. Those relationships may not make the grief disappear, but they do make the grief lighter.
What relationships and connections are you fighting for these days?
Write It Down:
Let’s explore the both/and! Grief and joy can coexist.
Write about three things you’re grieving or in the process of letting go. What has been the impact of these people, places, or objects in your life? What will you miss? How does saying “goodbye” make room for more authenticity?
Write about three current sources of joy. How do these sources challenge your growth? What are you learning? How do these sources impact you and your community?
What I’m Reading:
“Why is the gender-based violence movement pushing away Black advocates?” (VAWnet)
“End gender-based violence by standing with Indigenous communities” (Othering & Belonging Institute)
“Anger, sadness, boredom, anxiety—emotions that feel bad can be useful” (Fast Company)
Africa is Not a Country by Dipo Faloyin
Rest is Resistance by Tricia Hersey
Check out more reading suggestions at my Bookshop:
There’s still time to schedule a coaching call with me! Let’s chat more about grief, shame, and nurturing our closest relationships. I will begin seeing regular clients (instead of one-offs) as well as hosting group workshops beginning in April 2024. Stay tuned 😊
For Justice & Joy,
LySaundra Janeé