Not having boundaries doesn't make you a nicer friend.
"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time." Prentis Hemphill
I’ve been reflecting on boundaries and friendship recently. I wrapped up my first weekend intensive for my sex and relationship coaching program—the first of many over the next year! Our lectures, demos, and practice sessions with other students got me thinking more about boundaries and intimacy in the context of friendships, family, and work as a recovering people pleaser.
Since being diagnosed with ADHD, I’ve had to readjust my life and pay attention to what comes up for me in different environments, around different people, and what needs to change. With that, I’ve had some difficult conversations. I’ve had to make adjustments and change how I show up for people, and… it’s rough.
I’ve gotten more comfortable talking about my feelings and needs, even if and when it makes other folks uncomfortable, but it’s still scary. Many of us associate boundaries with walls or barricades—I have to catch myself with this, too! In the context of my diagnosis, I’ve been giving myself more freedom and grace to be fully human, even if that means changing how I interact with people. Setting boundaries can feel difficult if folks are used to me showing up a certain way.
But thank God, we’re allowed to change.
"Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same time." Prentis Hemphill
Setting boundaries is a communal act of love.
We set boundaries to invest in our friendships and relationships, and not get burnt out. And in case no one has told you: It is perfectly okay to have boundaries, even if you communicate them imperfectly. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love and community love.
Examples of boundaries I’ve set recently:
I no longer open my apartment to overnight guests. If so, it’s very rare and on a case-by-case basis. If you’re familiar with neurodivergence—particularly those of us getting diagnosed in adulthood—you may have heard the term “masking.” I’d been thee hostess of hostesses for years in my friend group, since college. But I never knew my exhaustion and frustration after having people stay overnight—or even visit for a long period of time—was due to unintentional masking. However, hosting dinner parties feels different in my body than hosting someone overnight or for a few days—and I’m currently able to manage the mental and emotional energy it takes to host dinners way better than having overnight guests—so I have this boundary to be a better friend/loved one.
I don’t attend parties with the homies anymore. I attended a day party in June with friends and at some point—where I’d usually mentally check out and say, “Oh, I’m an auntie, I’m tired!”—I turned to my homegirl, told her I was bored, and went home. It felt liberating to say that word: bored. Because I still had loads of energy in me and wanted to be #Outside, but the parties weren’t (and aren’t) my cup of tea. I choose to attend events and be around people that spark joy. It doesn’t mean I can never hang with those friends, it’s just if we value the friendship, we need to find a different setting that sparks joy for everyone.
I’m less readily available. I’ve been keeping my phone on DND (Do Not Disturb) overnight and during hyperfocus work times. This is also a lifesaver for someone who handles communication and storytelling strategies for a living. Across social media alone, I’m currently managing 12 pages/accounts. I tend to get distracted easily so when I find times of hyperfocus, keeping that focus is imperative for me to complete any tasks. I’m also getting choosier about how I fill up my calendar—or don’t fill up my calendar. I’ve used a busy schedule to indicate how valuable of a friend—or family member, fitness trainee, or professional—I am. If I’m booked and busy, it must mean I’m important. (I’ll share more on slowing down after we leave eclipse season, rightfully so 😉)
We talked a lot about boundaries during our first weekend intensive with Somatica Institute. One tool we discussed is boundary mapping, which is paying attention to what sensations arise when you talk about boundaries and where in your body you feel them most. Almost like my post earlier this year about listening to your intuition. Different experiences activate parts of our bodies and we’ll feel sweaty, or fidgety, or hot, or cold, or nauseous, or so much more. I’d love to talk more with you about these sensations.
As a part of my coaching certification, I need to complete a number of practice sessions and receive evaluations. If you’re interested in working through Boundaries and Boundary Mapping (or any other tool(s) from our first module—Creating a Resilience Basket, Embodiment, Attunement, or De-Compartmentalizing Sexuality, Empathy), feel free to email me so we can set up a time.
Sessions are currently only available to paid subscribers.
What I’m Reading & Listening To:
5 Lessons for Long-Term Relationships (Reset with Liz Tran podcast)
Homebodies by Tembe Denton-Hurst
I Never Stayed Past the Honeymoon Phase and Here’s Why (Lovers and Friends with Shan Boodram podcast)
The Course of Love by Alain de Botton
For Justice & Joy,
LySaundra Janeé